The law of canceling proposal is an interesting topic to be discussed and reviewed because the proposal or khitbah is a process that is usually carried out by a part of the Indonesian people towards the wedding ark as marriage fiqh. The proposal is the first step that must be passed in a marriage that is generally carried out by men to convey their intentions and sincerity to get married and ask for the blessing and approval of the parents of women. It can be said that the proposal or khitbah in Islam is the first form of bond from the prospective bridegroom to the prospective bride.
In the culture of Indonesian society, generally, the proposal or khitbah is divided into three categories, namely:
- Informal Proposal
In this case, the prospective bridegroom comes to the house of the prospective bride’s own parents and expresses seriousness, readiness (economy), sincere intention, and determination to marry the prospective bride with sincerity of love and religion.
- Semi-Formal Proposal
To hold this event, the prospective bridegroom will come (according to the confirmation of a predetermined time) accompanied by both parents and relatives (in this case, only brothers/men can be held in the custom if both parents already dead).
- Formal Proposal
After the Marriage Day agreement was held, a formal proposal event is held the night before the wedding (ijab qobul) or a few moments before the wedding (Ijab Qobul) begins.
However, in the process, it seems that everything cannot always go according to plan. There are even events which then require that one or both parties cancel the proposal. Of course, this can provide various effects both psychologically to both parties. Now, in this case, how Islam views this condition, the following will be described below.
The Law of Canceling Proposal
The cancellation of the proposal unilaterally is done by one party even though the waiting has long happened, then the party who canceled the proposal married someone else. Here, we want to emphasize the discussion of the law whether or not the cancellation of the proposal and not to expand the discussion in other matters.
Saudi Arabia’s Standing Committee on Fatwa and Scientific Research writes:
Only the proposal between men and women does not mean the occurrence of a marriage contract, so, the man or woman (each) has the right to leave (cancel) the proposal if he sees a problem in the cancellation. Whether it is given up by another party or not given up. (Fatwa Al-Lajnah Ad-Daimah 18/69)
It should be understood that the proposal submitted by one of the parties and accepted by the other party is not the marriage contract as described above. Although the proposal for attachment is not the same as marriage, the cancellation of the proposal without any reason for syar’i is not feasible (although it is permissible).
Regarding the reasons for syar’i, there are opinions that allow the cancellation of the engagement. For example, if in the middle of a trip one party thinks there is no match between you two because you two are not in any bond. However, if the plan was previously discussed between parents, then when canceling, for the benefit of the law, you should both also involve parents to convey the intention to cancel it.
But it must be noted that the matter of incompatibility has indeed been carefully thought out, not for a moment’s emotional factors because if not, even in domestic life, ordinary conflicts would occur and it should not be a reason to easily ask for a divorce. It must be observed. This means that behind the reason for the cancellation of marriage is a reasonable reason and it is based that if it continues to the level of marriage, it will actually be able to cause serious problems and only cause demise.
With such a reason to achieve better conditions, decide which proposals can be made. As Syaikh Muhammad Syalthut said, he described this case with the ability to violate oaths if there was more goodness when the oath was violated.
Rasulullah SAW said as narrated by Abu Hurairah:
مَنْ حلَف عَلَى يَمِينٍ فَرأَى غَيْرَها خَيْرًا مِنْهَا ، فَلْيُكَفِّرْ عَنْ يَمِينِهِ ، ولْيَفْعَل الَّذِي هُوَ خَيْرٌ
“Who swears, then he argues that it is better to violate his oath, so he should pay kaffarah from his oath and do what he thinks is good.” (H.R. Muslim)
On the basis of the above hadith, according to him, canceling oaths for better interests is permissible, including fiance. However, the reason for canceling the engagement may not be because other candidates are richer or have a higher position.
Some scholars say it may cancel the engagement only for religious and moral reasons. When canceling the engagement, you should keep the good name of both parties and families. Engagement begins with goodwill, and then ending it must also be in good faith.
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In the engagement habits that existed in modern times – in contrast to matchmaking in the past – many people assumed that the engagement had become “semi-marriages” where because they were engaged then the two potential partners could travel together without being accompanied by mahram, together, dating, holding each other, establishing intimacy in such a way, and so forth. This is clearly contrary to the rules in Islam.
Engaged men and women are not lawful to touch each other, traveling together without mahram or two-in-one in one place. Both are still counted as some particular man and woman. Same with people who say, “I have the desire to buy your car,” so that is not a transaction, even though the car owner also has the desire to sell his car. So, the car is not lawful for him. The matter of male and female relations in Islam, clearly cannot be likened to cars and prospective buyers.
The Prophet sallallah ‘alaihi wa sallam said,
“Actually one of you stabbed in the head with an iron needle is better than touching someone who is not a mahram.”
This hadith is narrated by al-Imam ath-Thabrani in al-Mu’jamul Kabir, and other narrators, then declared saheeh by Shaykh Nashiruddin Al-Albani in Silsilatul Ahadith Ash-Shahihah wa Syai-un min Fiqhiha wa Fawaa-iduhaa.
So that it can be concluded that, it is okay to decide to cancel the proposal. However, because all of that was done by deliberation, do the cancellation by deliberation. Talk about what your sister wants, draw opinions from each of those present, prospective husbands, prospective parents-in-law, and also both parents or even relatives.
After that, set what you think is better for your future, future husband, and the entire family. But, do not forget to relax. Perform two rak’ah prayers and ask for guidance for all choices to Allah.