20 How to Propose in Islam Before Marriage
In Islam, propose marriage (khitbah) is a request or statement from the man to the woman to marry her, done directly by the male or through a third party. The proposed woman can choose to accept or reject the offer. If a woman accepts the man, she is not legally allowed to accept the proposal from others. However, the relationship of the two couple themselves remain as someone else (not mukhrim) and are forbidden to be together and do deeds like husband and wife.
Propose marriage in Islam is contained in Surat Al Baqoroh verse 235:
And (there is) no blame upon you in what you hint [with it] of marriage proposal [to] the women or you conceal it in yourselves. Knows Allah that you will mention them, [and] but (do) not promise them (widows) secretly except that you say a saying honorable. And (do) not resolve (on) the knot (of) marriage until reaches the prescribed term its end. And know that Allah knows what (is) within yourselves so beware of Him. And know that Allah (is) Oft-Forgiving, Most Forbearing.
Here is presented how to propose in Islam :
1. See the candidate to be proposed
A woman can see and gather information about the man she is proposing. So is the opposite, men who apply can see the woman he will apply for. This aims to appear good that will further strengthen the marriage decision.
The Prophet (s) said: “If one of you proposes a woman, then if he can see from her what can call him to marry her, then he should do it”. Jabir said ‘I propose to a woman and I hid against her until I saw her that prompted me to marry her, then I did the marriage with her. ” (Ahmad and Abu Dawud).
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2. The woman is not in the process of being proposed by another man.
In a hadith, Rasulullah SAW said, “A man can not propose marriage to a woman who has been proposed by another man” (Narrated by Ibn Majah). If the woman is, in fact, having a relationship with another man and it has nothing to do with law or religion, then it is okay if there are other men who propose to her. Even better the woman prioritizes and approve the proposed of another man, rather than going out for so long but it’s still uncertain.
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3. Keep secret on the proposal (not announced to the public)
From Umm Salamah ra mentioned that Rasulullah SAW said, “Announce the wedding and keep the proposal on a secret”. It means that we don’t need to announce the proposal to many people because it is still not uncertain whether it will go to the next phase (marriage) or not.
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4. The woman who is proposed free from other marriage.
The woman is not being someone’s wife. In addition, the woman has been divorced or abandoned her husband, but still in the period of `iddah.
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5. Prospective wife is still a virgin woman who is forbidden to be touched
Many people mistakenly understand, that there has been a proposal as if it was a husband and wife. Parents then allow these couples everywhere together, not even a few of them who have preceded to make a fetish until adultery. Unfortunately, this false view is then considered commonplace, along with the entry of the hedonic and permissive lifestyles that spread around the Muslims. The community seems to allow unlawful couples to be husband and wife together and do prohibited action.
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6. Sending other people
This way is done by sending a woman/anyone who is trusted to see the woman who wants to be proposed. This way has been done by Rasulullah SAW. That the Rasulullah SAW sent Ummu Sulaim to a woman, Rasulullah SAW said to Ummu Sulaim,” Look at the vein above her heels and smell the scent of her mouth. “
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7. The woman has the right to refuse/choose who proposes her.
The woman has the right to choose (approve/reject) the man who proposes her. When the woman is proposed, the man should await the answer and don’t need to force her. Hadith Rasulullah SAW said, “Widows are more entitled to her than her guardian. While the girl asked permission about her affairs. The permission is her silence. “(Mutaffaqun alaih).
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8. Not propose for women who are in iddah period.
The iddah period is the time of a woman left behind or divorced by her husband. The man is prohibited to propose frankly but it is still permitted when he gives ‘sign’ to the woman.
“And there is no sin for you to marry these women with innuendos or you hide (the desire to marry them) in your heart. Allah knows that you shall call them, and in no matter keep a promise of marrying them in secret, save utterance [to them]. And do not make (in the heart) to marry before the iddah period. And know that Allah understands what is in your heart; then fear Him, and know that Allah is Forgiving, Spiritually Virtuous. “(Al Baqarah (2): 235)
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9. Request permission from the woman’s parents and herself when proposing
When a man wants to propose to a woman, he must ask permission and opinion to the parents first. Then, the man needs to ask her opinion. If she remains silent when asked, it means she allows and is pleased with the man who proposes to her. If all the above are allowed, then the application process will continue on the process of marriage between the two candidates.
Messenger of Allah, “Do not you marry a widow until you ask her opinion and do not marry a virgin until you ask her permission.” The Companions asked, “How do we know she permits?” He also talked that she said nothing.” (H.R. Bukhari and Muslim)
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10. Accompanying the woman during the proposal process
A good woman will always take care of herself. She will not be together with any man other than his husband or mahram. Therefore, when proposing for women, the family need to accompany the woman for avoiding slander. It is also to avoid the devil which is often approaching.
Messenger of Allah. said, “Let no man be alone with a woman in a lonely place and don’t go with any men, except with her mahram.” (H.R. Bukhari and Muslim)
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11. The plan of propose
The man needs to make a plan for the proposal. He may approach the father of the woman first, following in the footsteps of Ali (radhiallahu anhu). Others follow in the footsteps of the female companion, as recorded in Bukhari, who volunteered to the Prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam). However, others followed the practice of Shu’ayb’s daughter (alayhis salam), whose father talked to the man after she showed that she wanted to marry Moses (alayhis salam).
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12. Select the representative
The man and woman need to select the representative for the proposal (nearest relative to the woman, such as her father or brother if the father is unable to perform the task or imam or appointed a representative to act on behalf of the best interests of the woman). The job is to help find and know the background of the man.
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13. Appointment between the man and woman
There must be an appointment scheduled for the two of them to meet (under chaperoned supervision) to talk about their future after the proposal. They need to do that to ensure the relationship and avoid wasting time.
See also: Patience in Islam
14. Do Istikharah Prayer
The man and woman need to pray to Allah in the form of salat known as “salatul istakharah” for guidance. The purpose is to smooth the proposal until the marriage and ask for Allah’s help.
See also: 6 Pillars of Iman
15. Prohibited to live in the same house
Women should not be invited to live at home and live with the man alone unless the proper marriage is performed according to syara ‘. The basic rukun in this agreement is ijab and kabul. Ijab and Kabul are the certain expression (speeches) that have been known in custom and syara ‘.
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16. Propose to the father first
The proposal is not given to woman but to the real father as the representative of the woman. He is the one who will give the permission for the marriage if the proposal is accepted and the marriage takes place. A man who will propose at least need to say to the father, “If permitted, let me marry your Daughter”.
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17. Plan the Marriage as soon as possible
The man should calculate and plan the proposal distance. The distance of application and marriage should not be too far. When a proposal is received by a woman, the family need to plan the marriage process as soon as possible so there isn’t a slander for both.
“When it comes to you somebody whom you accept religion and morals (to marry your woman), you should marry it off with your woman. Otherwise, there will be a slander on earth and damage.” (H.R. At-Tirmidhi)
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18. Woman Can Propose To Man
A woman can propose to the man without a problem. This shows how Islamic law really upholds the rights of women. They not only have the right to propose but also have the right to choose for the man he loves.
“From the words, he said,” We sat together with Anas bin Malik who was next to her daughter. Then Anas said, “A woman came to the Prophet, then offered herself to her, then the woman said,” O Messenger of Allah, would you take me?” (Narrated by Ibn Majah).
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19. Silence if the woman is not good for him
When a man sees the woman that he proposed to is not good for him, he needs to stay silent, and do not say anything that can hurt her. It is to keep the heart and purity of the woman.
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20. Overcome or Solve All Problems Before Proposal
There are always obstacles or problems that come before doing something important, especially like proposal. The man needs to solve and overcome those to avoid unnecessary problems in the future.
On the other hand, if you want to know more about the right and proper way how to propose in Islam to get marriage, here i give you the directly explanation from Dr. Zakir Malik.
That’s all the steps how to propose in Islam before the marriage. Hope this article will give us benefits and stay on Allah’s side.