Recently, domestic violence has become more frequent, especially by parents (especially fathers) to children in the form of abusive and cruel acts. As a result of this, Indonesia established the Commission for Child Protection, as a form of community concern for parents’ actions that are out of control.
Actually, parents play the first role for the children to learn and know the rules that apply to the family and community. Of course in this learning process, children tend to make mistakes. However, many fathers address this child’s learning process by doing acts beyond the fairness of physical actions that abuse the children. Violence is often done by the father because the father often has a high emotional level as an instinct of a man. Islam certainly does not teach and really hates this abusive act.
From time that, We ordained on (the) Children (of) Israel that he who kills a soul other than (for) a soul or (for) spreading corruption in the earth then (it) is as if he has killed all [the] mankind, and whoever saves it then (it) is as if he has saved all [the] mankind. And surely came to them Our Messengers with clear Signs yet, indeed, many of them after that in the earth (are) surely those who commit excesses. (Al-Ma’idah 5:32)
“Be servants of Allah who are the brother of one another because a Muslim is a brother to another Muslim, is not allowed to tyrannize, deceive or harass him.” (Sahih Muslim, no: 2564).
So, here is presented how to deal with the abusive father in Islam.
1. Forgive him and make reconciliation
As a Muslim, we should forgive all the mistakes that happened in the past. This also applies to the abusive father if he has already known his mistake and want to apologize. So, we need to make reconciliation between all parties that are involved in his abusive acts.
(The) recompense (of) an evil (is) an evil like it. But whoever pardons and makes reconciliation, then his reward (is) on Allah. Indeed, He (does) not like the wrongdoers. (Ash-Shura 42:40)
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2. Establish a standard system based on Islamic law
This system not only regulates worship, but also social system, education system, until the economic system as a whole, until our economic system is no longer using liberal capitalist system that is destructive and has no sense of justice, but becomes a stable whole system and brings Grace according to the promise of Allah SWT. It is because many people think that the father is allowed to do abusive act to educate and make his family obey him and they will not want to interfere the household affairs. This negative thinking leads to the habit and it is common to do abusive act.
3. Remind him to appreciate Allah’s gift
Allah says the family is a blessing that should be grateful. In addition, we also know that the family is a mandate entrusted by Allah to be nurtured and cared with kindness in order to produce good results that we can get in the hereafter. Father that do abusive act to his family means he doesn’t appreciate Allah’s gift. We need to remind him that his doing is wrong and he needs to change himself to be a better person.
And Allah (has) made for you from yourselves spouses, and has made for you from your spouses sons and grandsons and has provided for you from the good things. Then in falsehood do they believe, and the Favor of Allah they disbelieve? (An-Nahl 16:72)
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4. Tell him the role of father
One of the father’s roles is protecting his family from anything in the world and hereafter. So, as a father, we must not hurt our family especially doing abusive acts. Prophet who is also a father for His family can perform His role without doing abusive act so it shows that we can be a good father with the soft heart.
O you who believe! Protect yourselves and your families (from) a Fire whose fuel (is) people and stones, over it (are) Angels stern, severe; not they disobey Allah (in) what He Commands them but they do what they are commanded. (At-Tahrim 66:6)
5. Behave like Prophet
Prophet Muhammad is a patient person especially to His family even though they perform many wrongdoings. There are times when one of His wives do wrong in front of His companions that makes Him embarrassed. However, He doesn’t do abusive acts and covers His wife’s wrongdoing. This should be followed by all fathers in this world.
See how Rasulullah shalallah ‘alaihi wa sallam responding to one of his wives, but it happens in the presence of his companions? What happens if he scolds her or slaps her face ?! Therefore, it is true that he says, “The best of you are giving the best to the family and I am the best person to the family. (HR Ibnu Majah no. 1977)
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6. Ask help from people around us
This method can be used if we have already reminded the abusive father of Allah but he refuses to listen to it and still do the abusive acts. We can ask help from people around us and involve them to deal with the abusive father so he is embarrassed and aware of his wrongdoings.
“Remind him of Allah. If it is not useful then ask for help from people around you and if there is none then involve the authorities, then if they refuse to give help then keep yourself and your possessions and must risk the soul and you will become a martyr. “ (HR Imam Nasai)
7. Be patient and leave everything to Allah
When a father commits abusive acts, we must be patient. Don’t be angry and revenge him because it will create a bigger problem and we can’t clear the abusive acts. We must tawakkal to Allah and leave everything to Him, ask Him to change the behavior of the father because only He who can do everything with the Greatness of His power. In addition, we can get rewards because of our patience toward the abusive father.
Whatever (is) with you will be exhausted, and whatever (is) with Allah (will) be remaining. And surely We will pay those who (are) patient their reward to (the) best (of) what they used (to) do. (An-Nahl 16:96)
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8. Improve the understanding of Islam to the father
By adding to the understanding of religion, of course, a person who has a strong religious understanding (especially Islam) will be more resilient to face situations that become factors of the abusive act. Moreover, Islam has taught the rules of life in marriage, either attitude to the wife or to the child and also teaches how to do a good social interaction.
This day I have perfected for you your religion and I have completed upon you My Favor and I have approved for you [the] Islam (as) a religion. But whoever (is) forced by hunger (and) not inclining to sin, then indeed, Allah (is) Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Al-Maidah 5:3)
9. Salat and wudhu
Salat is one of the best weapons to solve a problem. We can ask Allah’s help when we pray to make the abusive father aware of his action. We can also pray with him so he can muffle emotions and prevent him from doing abusive act.
And let fear – those who, if they left behind offspring weak (and) they would have feared about them. So let them fear Allah and let them speak words appropriately. (An-Nisa 4:9)
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10. Divorce the abusive father
This is the last option in Islam for dealing with the abusive father. Islam strongly condemns all forms of violence and abusive act. Islam allows divorce if there is violence in the household that can not be controlled and the husband does not want to repent of his abusive act and continue to do so.
Then the Messenger of Allah called Tsabit. He said, “Take some of his property (Mahar) and divorce him!” Tsabit said, “Is that the solution of the Messenger of Allah?” The Prophet replied, “Yes indeed.” Tsabit said again, “I already gave him twice as much, and both are in his hands.” The Prophet said again, “Take both parts, and divorce him!” Then Thabit also carried out the order. (HR Imam Abu Dawud).
More Ways to Deal with Abusive Father in Islam
Here is presented more ways to deal with the abusive father in Islam.
- Provide services and care either physically or mentally
- Bring scholars or ustadz for counseling
- Create two-way communication
- Mutual respect
- Report to the authority
- Place a time to discuss together
- Give a gift and praise for the father
- Make him relax by traveling or other else
- Keep smile and doing good to him
So, that’s all how to deal with the abusive father in Islam. Hope we can handle it correctly and become a better Muslim.